


Forgiveness

by derenai



Series: Two Gerlonso drabbles [2]
Category: Football RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-08
Updated: 2012-09-08
Packaged: 2017-11-13 09:23:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/501960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/derenai/pseuds/derenai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Xabi goes to a party organised by Sergio and Fernando but there's a surprise guest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Forgiveness

Xabi was one of the first at the party organized by Sergio, as always. He was also one of the classiest, as always. As if nothing had changed. At least, that was what he wanted to convince himself of, that his break-up with Steven hadn't affected him, that he was still the same. If it had been so easy for Steven to draw a line under a more than four-year long relationship, there was no point to suffer from this break-up. Well, that was theory. Practice was a little more complicated.

He greeted everyone, even Fernando even though these were probably the only words he would speak to him. He could be professional with him when he had to, the rest of the time he remained polite because he liked Sergio and didn't want to argue with him. He had thought about telling him how his lover was keeping himself busy when he was away from him but he had decided against it. He would let Fernando tell him, if he did one day. If not Xabi would maybe decide that Sergio had the right to know. Meanwhile, spending the evening with his ex-boyfriend's lover didn't really delight him. He thus sat next to Iker, as far as possible from Fernando.

They had been talking for a couple of minutes when the bell rang. Surprised they looked at one another, wondering who could be missing. They were even more astonished by Fernando's bright smile as he walked to the door. He talked a bit on the doorstep then let his guest come in. The latter walked in looking shyly around and froze when he saw Xabi.

The Spaniard froze too and felt himself dying. Far from Steven he could keep turning over his bitterness, force himself to hate him, tell himself it was better so, for him and for Nagore. In front of him, though, all the defences he had built up to protect himself from the pain were colliding. And it hurt. It was all his being who was turning to dust, joining the pieces of his heart broken months before. It hurt as much as that day, as if time hadn't passed since. His distress, though, only appeared on his face for a brief second before he regained his self-control to glare at Fernando. Displaying an angelic smile, the latter disappeared in the kitchen. Xabi dared a rapid glance at Steven, noting that he seemed as surprised and angry at Fernando as him, and then resumed his talk with Iker as if nothing had happened. He was decided to ignore the Englishmen the whole night long. At least as much as he was to dismember Fernando.

He avoided Steven carefully until they sat down to eat and thwarted Fernando's stratagems who was trying to make them sit side by side. He ate the starter without a glance at the Englishman sitting at the other end of the table. He appeared almost natural, despite the urge to watch him, to look for the smallest trace of sadness on his face. To prove himself that he was wrong and that their break-up had also affected Steven or to comfort himself in his thought that the Englishman didn't deserve him to suffer for him. Xabi didn't quite know himself.

When the starter was finished, Fernando cleared the table. Xabi forced Sergio to remain seated and helped his countryman. "What is he doing here? "he asked coldly once they were alone.

"Who are you talking about?"

"Don't play this game with me, Fernando."

The younger man put down the plates in the sink and turned to Xabi, looking straight into his eyes." I invited him to Madrid because I was worried about him."

"And because you wanted to fuck him?"

"We never did it again since…"

"Since I found you?"

"Yes."

"And you didn't think about telling me he would be here?"

"That was deliberate." Xabi grumbled and walked away but Fernando stopped him. "Wait! I know you hate me but… Listen to me… Please."

The Basque turned around, a cold look on his face. "He…  He's not well, you know.  You should-"

"What? You've hoped putting us in the same room was enough to make everything back as it was?"

"I only wanted to give you a chance to talk."

"Instead of trying to patch up our couple, you'd better take care of your own. What do you think Sergio will do when he hears of Stevie and you, uh?"

"He… He didn't speak to me for two weeks."

"You told him?"

"Of course I told him. I couldn't live with this secret anymore. And I… I thought it would be easier if he'd heard of it from me."

"And he came back."

"Yes… He told me he was ready to forgive me if I really loved him but that he would never forget. I… I know I lost a part of his trust that I'll never find again. But at least… I didn't lose  _him_."

Xabi could see his countryman's pain in his eyes, his shame, his anger against himself and the certainty that he could never make up for his mistakes. Suddenly the Basque hated him a bit less.

This look was still haunting him when he went back to his seat. He watched Steven wondering what he would have seen in his eyes if he had accepted to see them. He too had lost everything. When the Englishman's look turned towards him though, he looked away.

He went on ignoring Steven while eating the main course but it was more and more difficult. When they went back to the living room, taking a break before the dessert, he had lost the thread of his talk with Iker and Marcelo. He sat next to them on the couch but didn't pay attention to them anymore. He wasn't really in the mood to laugh with them. He was too absorbed in his pain, in his memories. His look turned more and more often to Steven, sitting alone in a corner, his eyes to the ground. He was probably feeling very alone with all these strangers, most of whom didn't speak English. Xabi had seen Cristiano try to have a chat with him but he finally gave up, seeing that the Brit wasn't willing to cooperate. So Steven found himself alone and Xabi knew how much he hated solitude.

"I didn't think I would ever say that but it upsets me to see him like that" said Sergio while sitting down next to the Basque.

The latter didn't confess he felt the same.

"You agreed to him coming?"

"It doesn't please me to see Nando spend time with him, believe me, but I do it for you. So you'd better talk to him."

"I don't want to."

"Xabi, I know what you feel. I know it hurts and it's up to you to know if you can forgive him or not. But I also know you love him. It's obvious."

"What difference does it make if he doesn't care?"

"Oh yeah? Look at him, Xabi. Do you really think he doesn't care?"

The Basque looked again at Steven. Shoulders bent, eyes to the ground, he didn't even try to hide that he felt uncomfortable. Or maybe he simply couldn't. When he saw him like that, Xabi knew Sergio was right. He wasn't ready to accept it, though. He was going to turn away when Steven looked up straight into his eyes. For a few seconds, he could see the Englishman's hopelessness. His eyes filled with tears then he stood up and went out on the terrace.

Xabi didn't want to care but he couldn't help it. His heart ached. He had never been able to bare seeing Steven suffer. This hadn't changed. He still loved him. Was it enough though? Sergio noticed his distress and put a hand on his shoulder."Go and talk to him."

"But I…"

"You need to understand and he needs to talk. You won't suffer less by avoiding him and forcing yourself to hate him."

Xabi sighed. He knew Sergio was right but something was holding him back. The fear to realize everything he had believed for all these years was a lie maybe or the one to give up too easily and see Steven do it again a few months later. The awareness of what Nagore would feel if she knew one day. He hesitated for a long time but, deep inside, hadn't he always hoped to see him again? He finally realized he would regret it if he didn't take this opportunity.

He stood up and joined the Englishman on the balcony, finding him leaning on the guardrail. He did the same, staying just a little bit farther than needed. Hearing him, Steven turned around briefly. His face was wet with tears but his eyes were quickly back on the city. The words came out of his mouth at full speed."I'm sorry. I didn't know you'd be there. Nando invited me to spend some time in Madrid to take my mind off but he didn't tell me you'd be there. I-"

"I know" Xabi interrupted colder than he wanted to.

"We're not together!", Steven went on hastily.  "He was worried but there's nothing between us."

"I know."

This time Steven remained silent. Out of the corner of his eyes Xabi saw his body shake. His heart ached. He wanted to run away but he couldn't. He didn't know what to say, he didn't want any screams or argument. So he remained silent too.

The Basque's look turned to the moon. It was full that night, beautiful. This brought him four years before, to a night when they had decided to run away from the light pollution of the city and spent the night watching the stars, lying in a field, curled up to one another. He remembered the peace of that night, the happiness that Steven gave to him, the love. A tear ran down his cheek.

"It felt good together", he murmured.

"Yes", Steven answered with a broken voice.

"So why?"

Steven remained silent for a moment, trying to organise his thoughts and to calm down his sobs. After a few long minutes he whispered: "Because I felt so alone. We didn't talk much and I… I was afraid you'd forget me; you'd decide you were living well without me… I know that it's not an excuse, that you suffered as much as me but… I talked a lot about it with Nando. He was the only one who could understand me. This brought us closer and… We got out of control. I was angry at myself… I still am so much. I-"

"That didn't prevent you from doing it again", Xabi interrupted coldly.

He didn't want to be bitter but he couldn't help. Suffering to see Steven in such pain was too dangerous.

"No… We resolved not to do it again but… For a moment we felt less alone… For a moment I could almost believe that if you'd leave me I could go on… Even though… Afterwards… I felt lonelier and lonelier… More and more ashamed… And I was more and more afraid that you'd leave me… I'm sorry, Xabi. I'm so sorry."

The Spaniard didn't say a thing, not knowing how to react. Everything would have been easier if Steven had loved Fernando. He would have left him, hated him for a while then would have become more reasonable and understood that something had gone wrong and that he had to accept it. Instead there was a mistake and two men who were suffering to be away from each other.

The Brit straightened up and whipped his tears, trying to calm down, to be dignified but failing lamentably. Xabi looked away. He felt all his defences fall apart. He had forged himself a shell to protect himself from his feelings for Steven but it only seemed to hurt the Englishman. So should he really hold on to it?

"I'm sorry for hurting you", Steven murmured.

"You suffer as much as me."

The Englishman shrugged. "I guess I deserve it."

Silence fall again. Xabi was lost in his memories, the ones he had wanted to forget. He realized though that forgetting the four most beautiful years of his life wouldn't make him happier, only more hollow.

Steven had finally managed to calm down but his throat was tight when he said: "I’ll go back to the hotel. I have nothing to do here. I don't want to ruin your night; I ruined enough already… So… I guess it's time to say goodbye… I hope… One day we'll be friends."

Xabi turned to him with tears in the eyes. His heart was shouting at him to hug Steven, to say everything was forgotten and that everything would be back as before. His heart had been broken in Liverpool, though, and the new one, the one he had begun to make with the pieces of the old one, wasn't finished and still way too fragile for him to trust it. However he put his hand down on the Englishman's. He felt a shiver along his spine at this contact and knew he couldn't go back.

"Stay", Xabi whispered.

Seeing Steven go, stay both alone with their pain and their love, this was ridiculous. He was afraid though. Afraid to be wrong, to suffer again but he would more certainly suffer if he let Steven go. Their eyes met and Xabi whipped gently his cheek. Then he leaned to him and put his lips on his. For a few seconds he didn't move, enjoying this feeling he finally found again. Then his tongue came tasting the Brit's lips before sliding between them to find its twin.

They parted only long minutes later. Steven's gaze was glooming with hope.

"Does that mean… You're ready to forgive me?"

"Yes… I'll need a bit of time but yes."

Steven gave him a bright smile and hugged him so tight that he seemed to want to merge into him. Xabi hugged him back and the Brit hid his face in his neck. The silence was only interrupted by a few loving words. There was nothing else to say, only a reunion to enjoy and the presence of the other they were savouring as if the end of the world was near.

Sergio's word finally pulled them away from their daydream.

"Sorry to disturb you but the others have been asking for the dessert for ten minutes. I'm not sure I can save my brownies much longer."

"We're coming", Xabi answered.

Sergio went back into the living room and Steven whispered:"I don't want to go back with the others."

"Me neither. But Sergio's going to get upset if we don't taste his brownies."

"Are you sure you're not saying that because you really want to eat them?"

Xabi burst into laughter for the first time in months. "I promise you it's true!"

He leaned his forehead against the Englishman's and breathed: "We'll leave when we're finished… I want to be with you… Only with you."

He stayed like this for a few seconds, enjoying the peace and the intimacy of the moment. Then he took Steven's  face in his hands and moved back slightly to see him. When he met his gaze filled with happiness, his fears disappeared. He knew he'd made the right choice. "I love you", he whispered.

"I love you too."

They smiled then, hand in hand, they went back into the house, finally walking in the same direction.


End file.
